today I’ve been thinking about how much I hate it when I hear people use Starbucks terms at non-Starbucks coffee establishments. outside of Starbucks, there is no “tall” coffee. it’s a SMALL. to borrow a phrase from the philosopher peter griffin, this really “grinds my gears.”
(sidenote–isn’t “tall” a little misleading, Starbucks? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.)
anyway, the philistines who do this make me want to set myself on fire. and the people who work at the other non-Starbucks establishments just role with it! they’re all like “sure, I’ll get you your TALL coffee at this place that ISN’T STARBUCKS.” if I worked in a plain old coffee shop, I’d probably beat the crap out of any person who applied the Starbucks vernacular to real life. this is probably why I don’t work in a coffee shop.
here, I have made a venn diagram to below reinforce the fact that I do indeed remember some things from elementary school and to further illustrate how I feel about these terrible scourges upon humanity.
for those of you who don’t know how to read a venn diagram, you will see above there is the real world, and then there is Starbucks. the magical place where Starbucks and the real world overlap is populated by idiots.
anyway, I know I am not the first/the only person to feel this way. but I am probably the first person to present my hatred in the form of a venn diagram.
as a new englander in virginia, you can imagine that I was surprised as well as delighted to find that there is a dunkin’ donuts in williamsburg. since it seems to be the best coffee I can find around here and it helps assuage the homesickness for my massachusetts home, I’ve been going there a lot lately. and I’ve been getting the same thing–a medium iced coffee with one cream and one sugar.
so today, I took a dunkin’ donuts detour on the way to the library. my wallet is bursting with change, so I was going to use my change to get a SMALL iced coffee, because that’s all I could afford. after counting out my change carefully, I got out of my car and walked inside. the nice lady who works there HAD ALREADY MADE MY COFFEE. I didn’t have enough change to pay for a medium! I had in my sweaty palm only just enough to cover a fraction of the iced deliciousness she was now holding out to me in appreciation of my frequent–and apparently predictable–business!
so I had to use my debit card, returning my fistful of moist change to my wallet.
how do I get out of this predicament? what if I suddenly want hot coffee? what if I feel like some iced tea? do I not go for a while and hope that they forget about me, only to resurface again months from now with an entirely different drink order? oh woe.
damn you, dunkin’ donuts. I hate your stupid commercials, anyway.
why are there so many flavors of coffee-mate creamer? I started wondering about this last night when I saw a commercial announcing the newest flavors, which include tiramisu. who would want their coffee to taste like soggy lady fingers and mascarpone cheese, anyway? if you want your coffee to taste like tiramisu, maybe you should just put down the coffee and go get some disgusting tiramisu. you don’t deserve any delicious coffee, you freak.